How I'm dealing with my Nuisance Phone Calls

'Hellooo,' squeaked an oriental voice on the crackling phone line. 'Can I speak to Meeeseees Patreeeeca Briiiight, pleeese?'

'Who are you?'

'Pleeease, must speak to Meeseeees...'

'She's not here,' I interrupted abruptly. 'She's in prison - for murder.'

'When will Meeeses Patreeeca be in?'

'Twenty years.' I replied, slamming down the receiver.

For some reason for the past few months I have been bombarded with telephone calls from a certain company. Every single day there is at least two calls from a woman that sounds either Chinese or Japanese and a man with an Asian accent. They both work for a company called 'Consumer Lifestyle' and they are both doing a 'survey'. I have told them not to ring me again. I have been nice and I have even been rude - most unlike me. But they will not give up and seeing as I HAVE to answer the phone for business reasons, I have resorted to saying the most bizarre thing that pops into my head, hence me telling them I couldn't answer the phone because I was serving time for murder :)

I have also told them I'm unavailable because I'm currently on a space mission to Mars/rowing around the world with Prince Charles/climbing Everest with Owen Wilson and painting the Eiffel Tower pink. It doesn't faze them one bit. They don't even act surprised when I come out with it. They just ask when Meeeeseeses Patreeeeca is going to be in!

They call - every single day without fail and it's really annoying me.

I think I made a huge mistake about a year ago when, because I was so fed up with people calling, I actually did a telephone survey with one of these companys and now I must be on some list somewhere!

The survey I did was bizarre to say the least. Each question had multiple choice answers which were: A)Definitely B)Maybe C)Would think about it

A snippet of the survery went like this:

Woman: Are you considering blinds for your conservatory? Definitely, maybe or would think about it?

Me: No.

Woman: There isn't a no. It has to be one of the three choices.

Me: But I don't want blinds.

Woman: But you have to choose. It's the rule.

Me: Why isn't there a no?

Woman: Please choose one of the three.

Me: Oh well...what's the least choice?

Woman: I'll put you down for would think about it.

After completing the survey I was then bombarded with phone calls from various companies.

'Hello. You have expressed an interest in having double glazing.'

ME: 'No. I haven't.'

'Ah. But you did a survey and said you were interested in double-glazing.'

ME: Yes, but I wasn't REALLY interested. I just had to choose the least one.'

'Well, we've got you down as interested. One our our reps is in the area...'

ME: 'For crying out loud I've already got xxxxx double-glazing!!!!'

If it wasn't double-glazing it was conservatory blinds, garden landscaping, life insurance, pet insurance, mobile phones, computers, television - you name it they called.

I was asked to sponsor leopards, tigers, donkeys, guide dogs for the blind and half of the children in the third world. It wouldn't have surprised me if I'd been asked to give money to the Eurozone crisis! ('Hello, we understand you are interested in helping Greece with their debts???)

And now I have the terrible twins calling me daily. No matter what I say, they still call religiously. I googled 'Consumer Lifestyles' and apparently they are bothering a lot of people, judging by the irate postings on various forums!

So, now I wait for their next call. What shall I say to them next time?

Suggestions, anyone???