Dreams

Do you dream?

I dream big. Almost every night. Dreams with a beginning, middle and end. Like a movie. Usually I'm crime fighting or I'm in a spy thriller (sad, aren't I???) I wake at 5 a.m with a jolt and say 'wow, that was awesome. I mustn't forget that dream. It's going to make an amazing novel.' I lay in the dark thinking film rights. Oscars. Red carpet. And then I fall back asleep and two hours later wake up and can hardly remember a thing.

The dreams I usually remember quite clearly are the weird ones. For instance, the night before my operation a few years back, I dreamt I was trying to diffuse a bomb with a jar of Branston pickle! (I blame the sleeping tablet they gave me.)

I recently dreamt I was lost in Brooklyn, New York because I'd got on the wrong train. I went into Macdonalds to ask the way and who was there? Mary Portas, ordering a Big Mac (as if!) Mary saw me crying and invited me to stay at her house. Nice Mary.

Then there was the dream about Caleb Followill (please tell me I don't have to explain who he is?) Caleb took me drinking because, apparently, I was depressed. Anyway, I related this dream to my son who said 'funny that. I dreamt he bought me an amp. Nice guy that Caleb, isn't he?'

Then there was the dream about Peter Jackson giving me a part in The Hobbit. I flew to New Zealand to read the script with Elijah Wood.

And the dream about the carpet cleaning that came in jars. You poured the contents all over the carpet and micro organisms ate up the dirt (I should patent that stunningly brilliant idea!)

And what about the night I saved planet earth from alien invasion with a bottle of HP sauce? I made the aliens hamburgers and spread HP sauce on the meat. The aliens had an intolerance to tamarind (it's an ingredient in the sauce. do I have to tell you everything?) and they all died and yaaa! planet earth was saved.

Sounds like YOU should stay off the sauce, I hear you say. Truth is I very rarely drink. My mother used tell me I had an 'over-active imagination.'

My mind has no rest. My nights are way more active -- and exciting -- than ever my days are.

I recently watched the brilliant movie 'Inception' and would love to control my dreams. Perhaps then the day Owen Wilson (sigh) was waiting for me the other side of a bridge, I wouldn't have been waylaid by a person (male) I didn't know who tried to stop me crossing. I would have kicked him in the **** and said 'get out of my ****** way, Owen Wilson's (sigh) over there.' Unfortunately, by the time I made it over the bridge, Owen had given up waiting and gone home(story of my life)

Anyway, folks. I'm tired now. All that saving the planet malarkey I do in the wee small hours takes its toll. Night. Night.