My Catering Hygiene Course

So, there I was sitting behind my desk in a wooden hut. Well, I say wooden hut, but in reality it was quite a big wooden hut with posh toilets and an I.T room and I know for a fact it cost oodles cos one of the cleaners had a moan at me while it was being built. 'Quarter of a million,' she roared. 'And I can't even get a ****** new apron.' And then she pointed dramatically at the torn tabard she was wearing.

So, as I said, there I was sitting behind my desk waiting for my catering hygiene course to start when in walked six twenty-something lads. Suddenly I worried I was in the wrong place but it turned out they were all waiters. Now I'm proud to say I'm no fuddy-duddy despite my age. I mean I introduce my own lads to rock bands and take them to gigs and yes, I like to think I keep up with things BUT one of these lads had his waistband slung so low it was laughable. Y'know, showing seven inches of cheap-boxer-shorts-clad-backside. My mind boggled as to how he was actually managing to hold up his jeans because his belt was literally around the top of his legs. I had the overwhelming urge to dash over and pull his jeans up - but thought better of it. I watched him swagger over to a desk at the back. He swung his legs wide like John Wayne after a long day in the saddle, presumably his wide gait was his way of keeping his jeans up.

The course was interesting, I thought I knew everything. Turns out I didn't. I'm now paranoid about cross-contamination and washing my hands about every thirty seconds. But the hilarious dialogue between my tutor and our twenty-something waiters was worth recording. Here are some of the best bits:

Tutor: I knew a man who died when he ate a pie he'd left in the boot of his car over night.
Waiter#1: Well, he bloody deserved that then, didn't he? I mean what kind of idiot eats a pie he's left in the boot of his car?
Waiter#2: I would.

Tutor: How do you feel about eating in a place that has a low hygiene rating?
Waiter#2: Wouldn't bother me.
Tutor: It wouldn't?
Waiter#2: Nah. Cos like when your hungover, right. You don't care if there's a dead rat in the kebab shop cos you're hungry, right. So you ain't gonna care, right. Cos all you want if food, right.
Waiter#3: Yeah, would bother me, either. Cos like all you wanna have is cheap food, yeah. Who care's if it's got low hygiene? As long as it's cheap and you get loads, yeah.

Tutor: Have any of you seen these knives that are different colours so you know which one is for meat and which one is for vegetables?
Waiter #4: Yeah, we got one at our place. Piece of shitty crap.

Tutor: Did anyone see that programme on the television about what goes into a chicken nugget?
Waiter #5: Yeah, proper shit stuff.
Tutor: Oh, so you saw it?
Waiter #5: No. I can mind read. Durrrrr.

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And now you know why some animals eat their young!