IF

'IF' is a conditional clause. It implies something will happen if something else happens first. 'When' implies certainty. Doctors who were worried about the bird flu coming to Britain said it wasn't a matter of 'if' but 'when.'

This week the word IF has been uttered to me -- twice.

The first time was after I'd cleaned a huge house with five bathrooms and I mean CLEANED. Cobwebs as thick as candy floss were removed from behind furniture that hadn't been moved in months -- years, even. Bathrooms were scrubbed until they glistened. I even polished the blinking doorbells! I didn't take a break once and worked myself into exhaustion doing it in 4 hours for which I charged £10 per hour (well below going rate for S/E cleaners!) Yes. Spring cleaned to perfection a massive house for just £40. Am I crazy???

I was supposed to clean this house every month until I gave them the bill and then, after their jaw had hit the Axminster, they prised the money out of their purse and said: 'Um. Well. Er. We'll call you IF we need you again.'

Translation: You are a stupid cleaner and I'm not paying £10 an hour even though I'm mega rich, want my house cleaned and can easily afford it. Because only people with the IQ of a kettle clean for a living and I really expected you to do it for about £4 or £5 an hour, if that.

Yes, of course. Us stupid, brain dead cleaners that keep this world from being buried under a ton of detritus don't need money. Bread and water will do. And no, we won't be needing a house. Give us an old tarpaulin. Car. Clothes. Holiday. Nah, we don't need it. We just want to go to your fabulously big house and work for you for nothing because we are your slaves.

Well, here's another IF.

IF the sun explodes. IF the stars fall out of the sky. IF the U.K. ever wins Eurovision again ( and based on this years performance the sun is more likely to explode) then you can have my superior cleaning skills.

Because Mr and Mrs five bathroom house, all those things are going to have to happen before I ever clean for you again!